Grief sucks... so bad.

I think my grief is starting to take over.

I’m not too sure what I’m trying to say by that, or how exactly I’m expecting a conversation like this to make any sense, and I guess that’s just the shitty part of it.

It doesn’t make sense to anyone else, so describing it and explaining feels like too much; it’s because the feeling itself is too much.

I hate saying that I’m "plagued" by sadness, but life is starting to feel like that, or that it’s headed that way. All of this sounds so dramatic, and I truly take full responsibility for how overexplained this will all be, but I’m hoping this is a great outlet to start processing it.

The worst part for me is when I sleep and dream. I cannot wait to go to sleep; I swear that I can be back in the space and situation with that person. I can feel the furniture, the atmosphere, the smells; their energy is right there, and it’s alive. Then nothing. I open my eyes, and it’s a lingering feeling of their presence, and then the aching becomes primal; it’s like an unpleasant sensation, almost. Like when you go to a haunted house, and you can feel the characters standing over your shoulder, breathing, and for a moment you can sense that something is around you.

I really do understand why some people just completely get lost in it.

I feel like Coraline when she’s trying to escape the other mother and crawling out of a tunnel that feels like it’s getting further and further away the more you grasp towards the handle to get to the other side.

I’ve been praying to my saints; I’ve been getting myself out and about, but it’s a fog or a mist over everything; that sensation just doesn’t go away.

And I’m so angry, all of the time. I may not show it or let it out, but oh goodness, am I so angry. I don’t even know what at!

I guess I’ll leave this post with this story from Isle of the Dogs (wild comparison, I know lol)

I Don't Know Why I Bite

I bite because it’s all I’ve ever known.

To survive, I have to live with all the rage and anger within me. I don’t know how to be gentle — my teeth always crave flesh, like a monster, a beast waiting for its victim.

I didn’t know how to love without making them bleed. My love always leaves marks of my teeth.

I’ll understand if you leave. I apologize; it would have been so terrible to be loved by me.

After all, how could I offer gentle hands when all I knew were claws?

The world taught me to defend myself with teeth bared and a growl simmering in my chest. I wasn’t always this way. I’m still grieving for the person I’ve become. I didn’t want to be the monster they turned me into.

I am what I am because they trained me. I bottled up all this rage as a child, believing that if I didn’t raise my voice, I would remain invisible. If you don’t shout, you’re drowned out by the noise inside our house; if you don’t scream, they won’t hear you at all.

It was as if silence was a punishment, and only the loudest voice could demand their attention. All this rage is still within me, like a storm trapped behind a dam, waiting for the right moment to explode. Every outburst is a reminder of how close I am to becoming what I’ve always hated — the thing I promised I’d never become. I’ve become too numb to the pain I always begged not to feel anymore. It’s so hard being raised in hate and fear — I’ve become a stranger to love.

I don’t know how to love.
I build a shield of thorns around myself, so that any hurt I inflict becomes a way to avoid the deeper cuts within. I caused them pain so that I wouldn’t feel it.

I’ll find a way to make them leave; I’ll sabotage every relationship when they start to experience something new — something I’ve never felt before. I don’t deserve it. I know, I don’t deserve it.

The need to destroy any connection that might introduce me to a different kind of love. The fear that I don’t deserve this warmth makes me push them away, ensuring I stay in the only place I’m familiar with, even if it means being alone.

I thought I only bit the people around me, but then I sank my teeth into my own flesh. I’ve bitten myself too.

I’m not a violent dog, but what if I am?

I’m scared. I don’t want to be like this forever. If only I could remove all my teeth, my claws, my raging eyes — strip away the parts of me that I never wanted to have.

Tell me, how much violence do I need to release to feel what gentleness is? How many layers of anger and hurt must I shed to be free?

“I wish we could’ve met as kids; you would’ve loved the softer me.”

But I'm still trying. I really want to get better and see a much happier and brighter side to everything, but missing people who will never be around you again in this lifetime is just too infinite to think about and be okay with. I know I should be grateful that I knew them and loved them enough to miss them forever, but it's just not fair.

Escape Room (2019)

I'm a bit behind on this movie review, so in case it wasn't already clear... SPOILERS!!

So it starts with a brief glimpse into the daily lives of our 3 main characters.

Zoey, who is in college and VERY timid and meek; they emphasize that by having that almost Disney Channel-esque lingo with her being SUCH a Brainiac that her everyday conversations and excitement come from insanely specific quantum physics variables or whatever; the exact dialogue has Zoey saying, "I've been wanting to take a stab at one of those cuboid conjectures for, like, forever. They claim irreducibility of three univariate polynomials with integer coefficients, and if that is true, then Euler's concept of a perfect box can't exist!"
"Wow. You know sometimes I wonder if you just make up words because you know I won't google them." It just felt like one of those scripts in a Disney show/movie that has the super Brainiac character say this random, unprompted, rushed science-words salad to really make it obvious to the audience, "hey look! this super smart person only speaks in super smart words and has no realization that any layman around them, like a college dorm roommate, won't understand or need it said in a more digestible context because they're so big brain"

Zoey's player stats

                                                       
Ben works in a grocery store and is banished to the back rooms to do the work of people who are apparently... ugly, lol? Not really, but it damn near felt that way!!! He mentions a cashier position that has become available to Gary who I'm assuming is his boss/higher up, he tells him, "I could really use the extra bump (in pay), I'd really like to get out of my moms" and I shit you not, the man tells him, "It's just... putting you up front would be bad for business"
I swear, it felt like he was calling him ugly for a second!

Ben's player stats

Then we get to Jason; he's playing the big-financier/frat-bro guy. He has his own fully glass office and keeps the doors to said glass office wide open as well... and that's literally it. Besides a gnarly scar from his thumb to wrist, that's all about him.

Jason's player stats

Our main 3 have gotten a black box that has no way to open, so they assume. They do this sequence where we watch them try to open it; tell me why Ben's headass is the only one throwing the damn box like a toddler. Piss me off. They each somehow use their big brains to open the boxes and get a card inviting them to a website for an escape room, with a chance to win $10,000.

Black box

The day of the escape room arrives; we're met by Ben, smoking a cigarette outside, and by a woman named Amanda, who asks if Ben is there for the escape room as well.
As Amanda walks into the mysterious building, we're greeted by a creepy front-desk attendant who asks for her ID and phone. She turns to the elevator, and again, another participant comes in; his name is Danny. He is also very nerdy and awkward. Great. He has also somehow managed to sneak in a phone; I picked up that that'll be important.

They make their way into the main lobby, as we all assume, and we see Zoey and Jason already waiting. Then we have our final contestant, a chubbier white man who goes by Mike, who is also there. Mike is a trucker who, for 2019, is INSANELY aware that self-driving cars/truckers are going to be a thing in the very near future. We quite literally don't get any other relevant information about these 3 new characters until later. 

Mike's player stats

They're all mingling, chatting. Danny, the nerdy boy, notices Jason, the cool guy, has a scar on his hand. Jason can see his curiosity and says, "Hitchhiking accident," to which Danny asks, "Can you still play video games?" TELL ME WHY, JASON, MR. COOLIO FOOLIO says, "No. No man. Unfortunately, I can't, so I just have sex with adult women to fill the time." HEY. PISS ME OFF, JASON. So rude.
Ben wants to head back out for a smoke break before they start the game, and the door handle breaks! Yay!! But it looks like it's a temp dial, so they're all excited for this to begin!

Amanda finds the mail addressed to "Dr. Wootan Yu"; Mike finds a star-head screwdriver in a copy of Fahrenheit 451; Zoey notes the 451 and turns the door's dial.
Suddenly, it's getting warmer, and we see the room has started heating up from the ceiling! Amanda is panicking, and Danny suggests asking for a hint like normal rooms, but says they should just try to figure it out themselves. The lady behind the office help window keeps repeating, "Please have a seat, someone will be in with you shortly." Same cadence and tone as the first few times. Jason makes note of a lock and giggle-shits Mike decides to make a funny and chime in, "I'm not any help there, I can never find my keys!" prompting the most awkward chuckles from Danny and Jason... if you don't... never mind. I digress.

Ben's punk-ass finds a fire extinguisher and just tosses it aside, causing more wall panels to open and reveal the room's columns, which are also heating up. But alas, Zoey grabs the pin from the extinguisher and notices it's the key to unlock the help desk window, and the front desk lady was a mannequin!
UH-OH! MORE PANELING OPENS, AND THE ROOM IS NOW RED AND VERY HOT. Amanda is in full-on hyperventilating and wants OUT. Ben says, "aye, calm down, drink some water and get a grip forreal," not exactly like that, but he does tell her to drink water and chill because SHE is freaking everyone out. I'd slap him. Then they open more walls to reveal BIG FANS, and Ben realizes they are all in one big OVEN. Amanda's drinking water and Zoey notices scars on Amanda's neck. COOL. MORE SCARS.

Zoey notices a sign about the coasters on the table, pushes them in, and a painting on the wall lifts to reveal the room's exit. Yay. Jason offers to go in first, and the rest are pushing down on the remaining coasters, but he notices that he needs the screwdriver Mike found in the book earlier, so Mike brings it to him. Amanda is next to go, and freezes, like she has all the time in the world to get in there. Danny and Zoey notice that, for them all to escape, they have to fill the cups with water and set them on the coasters. But uh oh, Amanda drank some of the water that was meant for one of the cups, so Ben and Danny are freaking out. Amanda is now having a full-blown panic attack instead of escaping. In all fairness, though, she’s having war flashbacks. The boys go to fill the remaining cups with water to hold down the coasters so they can escape too. Zoey has gone in to help Amanda. More paneling is coming up, revealing more of the oven. Ben fills the remainder of the alcohol in his flask to compensate for the missing water Amanda guzzled, and they make it JUST in time to escape.

Meanwhile, Danny is the most annoying human in the world, still thinks this is a legitimate escape room, and is telling them not to panic that it was fun; spare me. The rest of the group is thinking that this is an actual death trap, and Danny is thinking this is shit gigs hehe-haha fun. Amanda remembers Danny’s phone; uh oh, no service, great. Jason finds another key to a lock that opens the front door, but there is a seven-letter word needed for the second lock on the door to get out. Mike makes a note of a stitching that says “you’ll go down in history.” Jason suggests maybe it’s a President’s last name, and Zoe starts rambling off presidents' last names as if it’s normal, just kidding. None of the last names are working. Ben notices reindeer antlers on the wall with letters on them; we're pulled into a flashback of Ben driving with his friends. It seems like they’re all intoxicated, and I’m assuming they died in an accident. We go back to the current day, and he starts naming reindeer and realizes the code is Rudolph.


They are in the snow at 30° outside, freezing. Danny walks into a force field of some sort that keeps them in a specific area, with the cameras still watching them, but it's more like a screen; it starts blowing cold air to make them all huddle together. Danny mentions that they should spread out and look for clues. Amanda finds a singular red coat and says directly to camera, “Hey, assholes. Is it not going to work this time, okay? We’re going to share it.” And hands it to Zoey to use first. Cool. Ben’s dumbass decides now is the time for another cigarette and gets surprised by a fishing hole in the ground, and his ankle goes in lol, he’s PIIIIIIISSED, he gets so pissy about it, and it’s his own damn fault. Danny suggests that there is a clue at the bottom; Ben sassily says “yea? Well why don’t you dive down and get it?” Danny hits back with “It feels like I’m playing the world's funnest game with the world’s meanest people”. Period.
Mike finds a fishing pole!! So now they fish! Zoe uses the compass and finds a magnet to pick up whatever is at the bottom of the fishing hole. Jason is acting all bothered by Zoe using the jacket. He’s being weird. They get out a big metal block of ice with a key frozen in the middle. Jason suggests they should use Ben’s lighter. TELL ME WHY Ben’s PUNK ASS asks, “what do I get in return?” I WILL THROW YOU IN THE HOLE. Oooooo I was so mad! THEN HE TOSSES IT ON THE ICE and makes Danny walk across and get it, and says “you’re welcome by the way.” Oh no she betta don’t (word to RuPaul), DANNY FALLS IN!!! He’s being dragged under the ice by a current in the water, and everyone BUT Ben is panicking trying to get him out. Unfortunately, he doesn’t make it, and rightfully so, everyone is looking at Ben like he’s a punk.

At that point, Ben then decides to start reading the rest of the group down with insults, and tells Zoey, “I’m really sorry, but it seems like your parents locked you in a basement until you finished all your homework,” and NGL, he kind of gagged on that one. But they all start melting the ice around the key with their hands and escape, leaving little body heat behind.

They get out and head to the next room, which has an upside-down pool/dive-bar vibe. The floor/ceiling collapses with each pause of the annoying elevator music.

My main gripe with these characters is that, in a REAL escape room, they would all be TERRIBLE. Everyone figures out clues or finds them and practically WHISPERS the finding. Especially Zoey; she notices that the damn pictures on the wall make one big sliding puzzle that can help open a safe. She WHISPERS “it’s a sliding puzzle” and goes on this dangerous trek to the other side of the room to do the puzzle, and it’s like… y’all… in a group escape room you announce any clues that you find in case someone else can help or maybe even figure it out quicker, but NO! It’s like a whisper party for these damn people. We get a flashback to Zoey in a plane wreck calling out for her mom, and she comes back to. Amanda is the one who has to put the clue into place, but it’s in an upside-down room, and she drops it on the last panel of flooring and tosses it to Jason as the tone rings to drop the last one. She’s hanging by a telephone cord above a huge drop, and she lets go.

Next room. The 4 remaining contestants enter this set that has different hospital room setups for 6 people, one for each of them. Except these rooms are familiar and significant to each. 
Amanda was an IED blast survivor; Zoey was in a plane wreck in the middle of the jungle; it took rescuers a week to find her (Jason mentions that it was on the news, which is how Amanda recognized her in the lobby).
Jason was stranded out at sea with his college roommate after a boat crash; his scar is actually from grabbing a line to hold on, and it almost took his thumb off. He claims that his college roommate went crazy after only having 1 jacket between the two of them and attacked him. He says his roommate swam off into the ocean in a state of confusion and never came back.
Ben says that he was drinking and driving with his friends in the car and crashed, killing all of them except him.
Mike was working in the mines with 11 others, including his little brother Cal. There was a cave-in from an occupational hazard, and he had to hear his little brother take his last breath. He was the only survivor. Danny was the sole survivor of Carbon Monoxide poisoning.

They are starting to piece together that the game makers knew every little detail of their tragedies and picked them because their survival in those situations was statistically improbable.
See, this was my main issue with this movie. They took WAY too long trying to get me to care about these characters and whether they make it. They led with the most annoying and ridiculous dialogue, truly the worst parts of these characters, and no real connection to them before this all starts, and once it does, I still find myself not really that sad for losing Danny because the lighter wasn’t even really needed anyway? Amanda was the first to hold them back and only became useful moments before she sacrificed herself. We’ve already lost 2 characters that have the saddest backstories; there’s a half hour left, and we’re just now hearing anything more.

Anyway, now the game has begun again, Zoey is wigging out smashing all of the cameras using the same theory that she was too scared to speak up about in class which is that atoms won’t change if you take continuous measurements, basically they can’t actually use their own smarts and knowledge to actually escape the whole game if they’re being watched and controlled by the people behind the cameras.
Mike finds these X-ray scans, and the guys decipher them as EKG sign language; they get out the EKG machine and assume they have to raise their heart rate to trigger the escape. Ben tries, and his is too low, and he’s scared. Mike goes next, and his is too low, too. Jason finds the heart shock paddles and convinces Mike to let him use them on him to raise his already high heart rate. Jason is pretty determined that it’ll work, gives him about 4 shocks, and, no surprise, Mike flatlines. The timer goes off, and a gas is released, and Jason realizes that they meant a LOWER heart rate.. so Mike died for nothing lol. In the 11th hour, it works. Zoey is still smashing cameras, Ben is telling her to leave with them, and she tells him to leave because she knows there is another way out that isn’t in their games.

now kith

Ben and Jason are now in what we assume is the last room, and Zoey is choking and unconscious in the hospital room by herself. Jason is ruthless, being matter-of-fact about Mike losing regardless, calling him unhealthy. Ben is heated; he accuses Jason of not being truthful about what happened to him and his college roommate on that fateful day. They both calm down enough to open a hatch together, but there is slime on the handle, and it is dripping with a hallucinogen or poison because they both start TRIPPIN’. They’re trying to find the antidote while being totally incapacitated, and eventually start fighting for the single syringe of antidote. Jason is acting exactly how you can imagine he did in his survival story; he even breaks Ben’s leg in the fight! Like woahhh okayyy, you totally killed your college roommate now buddy, no doubt in our minds you freak! Ben pushes him backward into a wall or a shelf; Jason hits his head (he’s gone). Ben takes the antidote and moves on to the next room by himself.

We see the waste removal team enter the hospital room, and they notice an oxygen mask has been used, and Zoey pops up and hits them over the head.
Ben is now fully out and goes to this room that seems to be the game maker's, and the man walks out and confirms it. He also eats Ben up when Ben says, “But you kill people for fun. There’s nothing good left on TV?” The game maker replies with, “You killed all your friends… because you didn’t want to pay for a god damn cab. I wouldn’t get too comfortable on that high horse, Ben.” AND I OOP. No crumbs.
Turns out yes, there is a huge organization of really rich people who pay to get people to escape these rooms on camera for them to watch. He mentions the year prior they had college athletes, the year before that savants, and this year was lone survivors. They wanted to know if luck had anything to do with them surviving their tragedies lol. Evil. THEN HE ATTACKS BEN. Because the winner isn’t actually supposed to win. But then Zoey pops out with a gun and shoots. They all start tussling, but Ben shoots him twice to make sure he’s dead, and they walk out together.

Ben is in the hospital, and Zoey is speaking with the police and brings them to the games building. It’s like there was nothing there; how freaky. The police say they haven’t found anything she described and ask whether she sees things that aren’t there. He says the report from the hospital found 3 illegal substances in Ben’s bloodstream, which is lowkey his way of saying we don’t buy it lol. Zoey is looking at spray paint on the way that says “NO WAY OUT” and points out that it’s an anagram for “Wootan Yu,” the doctor's name on the mail.
Zoey and Ben are now 6 months post and are catching up. Zoey is presumably not over the events and is determined to figure out who went after them; she has a scrapbook of research on everything that has happened since. Including how the powers that be explained the missing people: Mike was said to have had a heart attack in a bathroom at Union Station, Jason was thrown from his motorcycle on the I-64 with DMT found in his system, Danny drowned in Lake Michigan, Amanda was solo-rock climbing and slipped and fell. THAT’S SO EVIL I’M CRYING! Also, the puzzle maker is fully aware that Zoey is trying to figure out who they are, so they’re actively working on getting her out once and for all.

This is leading us into our 2nd movie, “Escape Room: Tournament of Champions”.

I actually had a great time watching this movie. Is it the best? Not entirely, but it’s a cool concept, and even though the agitation over the characters' annoying habits made it less emotional, I think it actually helped me enjoy the work of escaping with them and seeing how all the puzzles were solved! I’m going to watch the second and give another breakdown of it; I’m kind of excited for it, NGL!

Girlhood is SO back

Everyone's heard "it takes a village," but no one wants to be a villager. I've been struggling with that in recent years. I've always understood that it gets hard to show up, life happens, and time gets ahead of us before we can have a moment to breathe. But I've always known by my own effort and willingness to get what I need to get done, deal with my tragedies and grieving, trying to stay afloat in a system around all of us that gets to be heavy and defeating, dealing with mental health challenges, and still making an effort to reach out and say hello to people that I know and love.
I was getting very pessimistic about connecting with anyone; I've been dealing with grief that has taken me by complete surprise. I found out that a very, very amazing and rare soul, someone who was by my side for the months that followed the passing of my own family members about 5 years ago, had lost their life in a tragic accident. I never got to say goodbye or really grieve; it's been hard, and I still don't think I've fully processed or dealt with the whole thing, to be totally candid.
I spent about 2 or 3 days literally just feeling the darkness, regret, fear, anxiety, and grief starting to swallow me whole. I hadn't had to deal with this hard of a loss alone; that was thanks to this one friend, but they're now who I'm mourning. So who do I go to? I was slowly realizing that I couldn't really trust or let anyone in. I don't hear from anyone unless it's me first, which I normally wouldn't mind, but I think I do, and always have.

I felt like no one cared to hear about it or to understand why I stopped reaching out and doing my usual check-ins with them like I normally would. I'm not shy about double-, triple-, even quadruple-texting anyone in my life. I'd rather my circle of people always know that I'm thinking of them and that I see them in every little corner and experience of life, no matter how big or small. But once the reach-outs pause on my end... suddenly it's silence; I guess I've always felt like the friend who isn't necessarily "forgotten,"   but more of a second or last thought/invite.

Lately it's been different; I've been putting myself out more, doing the reach-outs and texting, but to the people that reciprocate, and making myself go out to find a reason to give the love and affection to the ones who want it. I think maybe I've just been asking the wrong people to be in my life and to love me because with certain friends and with this group it's just... different in the best way. 

Man, I really just adore my time spent with my girl Cruz; we've been able to lean on each other through those annoying day-to-day issues and even bigger moments I'd always be alone for. We tried out pickleball and showed up at a Love Island watch party with girls we've never met to encourage ourselves and each other to find a community and try new things. I thank any higher power that we're both here for each other at this point in our lives. We took a chance, put ourselves out there, and found such a great circle and new sport/hobby. WIN!

In less than a month, I've met a group of women who are so insanely vibrant; I don't think I've ever met a group more welcoming and so themselves. I've never felt so seen or heard by anyone like I do with these women. I was getting worried that maybe I'm both too much for some and too little for the rest; it's comfy here. It sounds so silly, but it's the smallest things that have been so important to me; they listen to the throwback music I've only been able to play on lonely car rides, and even the Disney Channel songs I loved to belt when I was in my studio apartment (omg more lore on that place if you need any cautionary tales on shared space living). Out of the 3 group hangouts we've done, 2 have involved SO much karaoke it'd make your head hurt, and potlucks with enough food to feed a whole family. We coordinate so quickly and have a million ideas for things to do, but we always end up chatting and laughing until our cheeks hurt. This is the girlhood I was promised when I was little!! 

I like to think that even in hard times, brighter days are coming; you just have to stay around long enough for them to find you. °❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･