Girlhood is SO back

Everyone's heard "it takes a village," but no one wants to be a villager. I've been struggling with that in recent years. I've always understood that it gets hard to show up, life happens, and time gets ahead of us before we can have a moment to breathe. But I've always known by my own effort and willingness to get what I need to get done, deal with my tragedies and grieving, trying to stay afloat in a system around all of us that gets to be heavy and defeating, dealing with mental health challenges, and still making an effort to reach out and say hello to people that I know and love.
I was getting very pessimistic about connecting with anyone; I've been dealing with grief that has taken me by complete surprise. I found out that a very, very amazing and rare soul, someone who was by my side for the months that followed the passing of my own family members about 5 years ago, had lost their life in a tragic accident. I never got to say goodbye or really grieve; it's been hard, and I still don't think I've fully processed or dealt with the whole thing, to be totally candid.
I spent about 2 or 3 days literally just feeling the darkness, regret, fear, anxiety, and grief starting to swallow me whole. I hadn't had to deal with this hard of a loss alone; that was thanks to this one friend, but they're now who I'm mourning. So who do I go to? I was slowly realizing that I couldn't really trust or let anyone in. I don't hear from anyone unless it's me first, which I normally wouldn't mind, but I think I do, and always have.

I felt like no one cared to hear about it or to understand why I stopped reaching out and doing my usual check-ins with them like I normally would. I'm not shy about double-, triple-, even quadruple-texting anyone in my life. I'd rather my circle of people always know that I'm thinking of them and that I see them in every little corner and experience of life, no matter how big or small. But once the reach-outs pause on my end... suddenly it's silence; I guess I've always felt like the friend who isn't necessarily "forgotten,"   but more of a second or last thought/invite.

Lately it's been different; I've been putting myself out more, doing the reach-outs and texting, but to the people that reciprocate, and making myself go out to find a reason to give the love and affection to the ones who want it. I think maybe I've just been asking the wrong people to be in my life and to love me because with certain friends and with this group it's just... different in the best way. 

Man, I really just adore my time spent with my girl Cruz; we've been able to lean on each other through those annoying day-to-day issues and even bigger moments I'd always be alone for. We tried out pickleball and showed up at a Love Island watch party with girls we've never met to encourage ourselves and each other to find a community and try new things. I thank any higher power that we're both here for each other at this point in our lives. We took a chance, put ourselves out there, and found such a great circle and new sport/hobby. WIN!

In less than a month, I've met a group of women who are so insanely vibrant; I don't think I've ever met a group more welcoming and so themselves. I've never felt so seen or heard by anyone like I do with these women. I was getting worried that maybe I'm both too much for some and too little for the rest; it's comfy here. It sounds so silly, but it's the smallest things that have been so important to me; they listen to the throwback music I've only been able to play on lonely car rides, and even the Disney Channel songs I loved to belt when I was in my studio apartment (omg more lore on that place if you need any cautionary tales on shared space living). Out of the 3 group hangouts we've done, 2 have involved SO much karaoke it'd make your head hurt, and potlucks with enough food to feed a whole family. We coordinate so quickly and have a million ideas for things to do, but we always end up chatting and laughing until our cheeks hurt. This is the girlhood I was promised when I was little!! 

I like to think that even in hard times, brighter days are coming; you just have to stay around long enough for them to find you. °❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･